Late night reading of Haruki Murakami's book of "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running" inspired myself to write this post. I am approaching participating in my 7th half-marathon, and I have never actually considered self-reflecting on why I put myself through an event when I continually moan about my hatred of running. Contradictory to my dislike of running it is somewhat symbolic of my personality and will power. It is somehow ironic that I write this in the hope that I discourage the perception people have with regards to myself being intense and overly emotional. However, I hope it can devise an understanding of the mental process I experience to reach some form of satisfaction personally. Eventually, I hope to conclude by clarifying the importance of self-reflecting to discourage the ideology of personality weaknesses and promote progressive thinking surrounding personality strengths.
Anyway, to start, I want to look at the first three miles of the race firstly. My friends will probably make fun of the choice of words I use now, nevertheless, during this stage of the race the adrenaline and excitement are very much prominent, and I find myself on a high, screaming in my head "THIS IS INSANE." The energy you get from the swarms of people at the start line and the continuous cheering up until the first water station is only comparable to the way I felt walking into the Nouveau Stade de Bordeaux to watch my beloved Wales at the Euros (Yes. I do have to sneak Wales in). The high fives as I collect my water and quench my thirst spur myself forward to go even faster through the race. Towards the end of this stage, I feel unstoppable and capable of anything and forget any previous plan I had to maintain a steady pace and proceed as quickly as the sheep high on cannabis stormed through Rhydypandy (Again, I love Wales). The next three miles is seemingly the most delightful part of the race personally. Miles three to six is when I regularly get a personal best mile for the race and the only word that I can use to illustrate the emotions I am feeling is invincible. I rush around the course with what is usually Kendrick Lamar blaring into my ears, and nothing else exists at this point other than the sheer enjoyment of what I am doing. At this point, I can relate the feeling similar to what I experience daily. The pleasure of being surrounded by people, studying, volunteering and the surging sense of importance but mainly, comfort in who I am.
As we pass the stage of feeling the race high, inescapably, comes the fall. As I get carried away, outpacing what I had previously anticipated, I find myself physically struggling come to the second water station after mile six. I usually start to get a throbbing pain in my left knee at mile seven, and I rely very much upon my mental strength to reassure myself that I can keep going no matter what. My character will not concede defeat. My stubbornness is what forces myself to overcome the pain and reach the ninth mile. As in the title of this post suggests, I do struggle to push myself out of bed in the mornings mentally. It can be a grueling process to encourage myself to exert all my energy in leaving bed when I feel numb in the mornings. During this stage of the race is a similar feeling. I am feeling overcome with an unexplainable emotion that surpasses that of feeling invincible leaving you paralyzed by the anxiety of what is to come.
The toughest stretch of the race. Miles ten to twelve. At this point, the wall hits. The intensity and emotional instability that is often used to characterize myself becomes overbearing, and I am close to quitting. The pain I feel not physically, but emotionally is exhausting. I am continuing to overthink every decision I have made, entering what a dark self-loathing phase is. I start crying as I am running, my heart is pounding faster than natural, and I am having to use the last ounce of energy to contain what seems like a panic attack arising. More often than not, this is a regular experience. The self-loathing periods I find myself in regularly, regretting decisions I have made, things I have said or things I haven't done, lead myself to the point of questioning what anything means when you can't succeed. At this stage, the intensity of my personality is too much for myself to handle. The comments I am so used to hearing replay over in my head, lead to the point of isolation that I feel not in control of myself.
The turning point. Mile twelve hits. A sudden realization occurs that I only have one mile left. I smile as Celine Dion blast through, and I start singing along to "It's All Coming Back to Me Now." I astound myself at this point as I cannot explain the newfound resurgence of energy. I am feeling invincible again. As I edge closer to the finish line, I can hear the passion and feel the crowds energy which fully encompasses my emotions, and I now feel determined to sprint with every last piece of stamina despite the pain. As I cross the line, many would assume I cannot contain my excitement or happiness; however, that is not the case. I feel relieved. Relieved that is is all over. Eventually, as I collect my medal and t-shirt, I do feel proud. Proud that I have completed another one yet again, considering that I only participate in testing myself with something I am fully aware I am by no means great at, nor do I enjoy. I experience this feeling regularly. A belief that I am capable of continuing despite my mentality being a stumbling block, I am intense and emotional, but this creates the passion and determination which is solely responsible for overcoming difficulties.
Completing a half-marathon, personally, is symbolic. Finishing a half-marathon symbolizes the struggles I deal with regularly, in a shorter period. Now I am not looking for sympathy with regards to this post. Simply, illuminating the issues surrounding mental health. Through self-reflecting on running events I have participated in, it can demonstrate that the adjectives often used to describe myself as an individual negatively, is what inspires myself to continue. I am by no means insinuating that if I could limit the overthinking and anxiety I experience that I would not, but, the intensity and emotional attributes form strength and passion for continuing no matter what. On that note, I think the overall message I am proposing is that through talking about running I have reached the realization that personality strengths are subjective and the only relevant opinion is the one you have yourself. I have spent a long time thinking my personality was a weakness yet, through running I have realized it is my biggest strength.
