I am currently sat rehearsing a speech for my Master's graduation yet; I can’t suppress the overwhelming urge to cry, resulting from my vendetta against myself to brandish myself as a complete and utter failure. That is the reality unfortunately of what it is like growing up clinically depressed, alongside eating disorders, sexuality, and substance abuse.
A day in which for most people is the height of their education, yet, for me, I can’t help but feel horrendous that I lack any credibility to be up there presenting in front of people whom I admire and am completely in awe of their ability and prospects.
I naturally come across as a charismatic and outgoing individual (I would like to think); however, smiling as much as I do is probably the biggest downfall as it is emotionally and spiritually draining some days.
It seems somewhat ludicrous for most people to imagine that there are some days by which I wake up in genuine tears of sadness that I have to fathom strength from somewhere to mask the detest I feel towards myself most days, and attempt to portray some form of normality as I try to mingle into the expectations of society.
Most people close will know that I keep myself busy pretty much every hour of the day (if it is possible). That is not because I want to achieve success or be awarded moments like my graduation speech. The despairing reality is that I attempt to take on an overwhelming amount of work to help people, or try and make a difference in some way, to mask the sadness in an attempt to find some form of meaning in a meaningless world.
I’m by no means asking for sympathy through writing. I wanted to take an opportunity, before everyone listens to my speech, to explain that there is so much more going on behind the words I have chosen. I don’t discuss mental health as I have chosen a different narrative. However, my mental health is the exact reason I have chosen the topic I have.
Although mental health is an extremely challenging issue to maneuver through daily. It is the exact reason which also fills me with pride when a sudden reality check hits, and I appreciate myself for who I am. My mental health is what drives me to make a difference, but more importantly, it opens me up to so many emotions that I experience every second of the day.
I, unfortunately, need to find the balance of managing emotions I have surrounding people close to me, as my passion for people does result in making a lot of regrettable decisions. But that passion is precisely why I have managed to force myself out of the locked room in my first year when I was quite frankly destined not to wake up, had it not been from a sudden reality check.
If you have read until now, congrats, and I hope you have not caught the depressive bug. What I do ask is that when I give my speech at graduation. Listen to the words, embrace the message, but most importantly, understand that the image of myself that is presented is only half the story. I am by no means the perfect student and far from being an entirely positive influence on society. Or even a student that is celebrating graduation as extensively as one would imagine. I am more, a relieved individual that I maybe can start to think I am doing something right for once?
